Records of Today

Chapter Samples of  My Tears Won’t Fall: Memoir of a Chinese Migrant Worker

Chapter 18: Wiring Money Back Home For The First Time

During those days spent saving up my cash before wiring the first batch back home, I would return to the dormitory and, taking advantage of Li Li-Hua’s absence, double-lock the door almost every evening.  Then I would unlock the wardrobe, burrow through to the clothing at the very inside, and remove my salary wrapped inside several layers of paper.

My quivering hands counted the bills over and over.  As I counted, my heart thumped.  I was afraid the money would get chewed up by a rat. Afraid that, who knows, the money might get stolen by a thief or by Li Li-Hua. Afraid that right at the instant I was counting the money, Li Li-Hua would unlock the door and burst in.  I was afraid of all this even though I knew perfectly well the door was bolted from the inside and couldn’t be opened by key.

Counting out those bills—all the while tormented by the thought that they might be stolen, and calculating when I would be able to save up 1,000 yuan to wire back home—that was my daily homework.

At last, I saved up 1,000 yuan.  And Meng Li saved up 1,000 yuan too.  I was afraid that Meng Li, alone on her way to wire the money back home, might run into some kind of trouble. And I was afraid she didn’t know how to wire money, so I insisted on her coming with me to do it.  As for Meng Li, she didn’t dare wire money on her own, but she said she could do it with a colleague. But I still wasn’t confident, so I insisted that Meng Li come along with me to wire the money.

We chose a Sunday. Both of us wrapped that money in newspaper, one layer after another.  At first, we put the money in a purse, but we didn’t feel at ease about this. We were anxious that the money might up and run away on its own, or in a moment of carelessness, the purse might be stolen. From time to time we would unzip the purse and stick a hand inside to finger the cash, but at the same time, this odd behavior might be noted by those thieves all around us. They would reckon there must be money inside, and this would give them just the chance they were looking for. And we were afraid that in the process of unzipping and zipping up the purse, the money would end up missing.

In the end, we came up with a solution: Each of us took out her packet of money wrapped in newspaper, and held it in her hand. That way, we could constantly tell ourselves that we had the money in our own hands. No thief could imagine that the packets wrapped in newspaper and grasped in the hands of these two blue-collar girls contained, in fact, hard cash.

And so it was that we arrived, nervous wrecks, at the local county post office. A long, long line had already formed. Everyone was dressed pretty much like us. Their expressions were wooden, and so was Meng Li’s.

I grasped the money very tightly in the center of my hand. So tight my palm sweat. And I continually looked about in every which direction, scanning for any suspicious gaze or person. Meng Li lined up behind me. I kept reminding her to pay attention to the safety of our goods. If something went wrong, we wouldn’t even be able to find a place to have a good cry!

The line inched forward, but the number of people in line never seemed to vary. People at the head of the line left, but others came; it seemed as if there were a new arrival for every defector.

When we’d been in line for quite some time, I suddenly discovered that a lot of people were filling in forms. Only then did I realize we had been so agitated that we’d forgotten to complete our money order forms. I had Meng Li keep our place in line while I stepped out and got two applications. Then I gave my money to Meng Li, and told her to be sure to be careful and hold onto our money very, very tightly. There might be a thief nearby. But even as I filled in the application, my eyes were riveted on my money in Meng Li’s hand. If I could have, I would have completed the form in a flash, but my hand was shaking and I wrote very slowly. At last I finished it.

At first I intended to fill in one for Meng Li too, but I felt uncomfortable about Meng Li holding my money for me. I doubted her ability to keep my money safe, so I took it back. Then I took Meng Li’s money, and told her to fill in the form like I did.

After what seemed like ages—a lifetime—our turn finally came. Our hands quivering, we finally passed our money to the clerk sitting behind the window, got our receipts and came out from the post office. After we finally came out, I breathed a long, long sigh of relief, as if we had just been released from jail.

I walked along the road, a happy grin on my face. As I imagined my parents grinning happily when the money arrived, my grin grew even bigger.

Chapter 20?Looking For Love… Getting Harassed

(Excerpt)

My manager took hold of my chin quickly, “It’s never boring to look into your eyes”, he said, “It seems your eyes can talk. Look, you’ve got several pimples on your face. No worries. Let’s have a stroke or two; your pimples will disappear soon.

I was frozen in terror, so spooked that I was aware only of my shortness of breath. I couldn’t think. Panic-stricken, I looked at my manager’s twisted face. His leering gaze chilled me. Suddenly, the feeling came back to my body. Using all the strength within my body, I wrenched my chin free off my manager’s clutch.

I fumed at him as if I were going to kill him right then and there. But I couldn’t overcome him. His leering gaze made me tremble.

I lowered my head and vigorously threw the book I was reading onto the table. Oh, how I wished I could toss my manager like that. But the sound of the book hitting the table showed just how much I would resist him. I heard no further sound from him. I swore to myself: if he dared touch me again, even if it was just a piece of my hair, I’d fight with my very life.

Soon after I heard his irregular breathing becoming normal again, then the sound of his footsteps. But those footsteps didn’t seem to be sounding in my ears, but in my mind…

I don’t know how I passed the remainder of that day. Everyone who came to borrow or return a book asked me if I was sick.

After I got off work, I went straight to bed without washing up. I wrapped myself good and tight inside my blanket, but my whole body still felt chilled to the bone while I was shivering from head to toe.

Li–Li Hua asked if I was sick. I made no sound. She asked again. Again, no sound is from me.

She was just about to pull me out from under my covers. “Don’t touch my blanket.” I said, “I’m cold and tired. Just let me sleep.”

I don’t know when I fell asleep. I just remember I had a dream.

I dreamt a man throwing himself at me. Holding me tightly, not letting go. And he was trying to press down on me. I wanted with all my heart to escape from beneath his body, but the harder I tried to escape, the tighter he held.

I tried with all my might to scream for help, but no sound came out. I was so anxious that I wanted to jump out of the building, even if the highest building in the world, but I couldn’t pry my body free. I was like a caged beast as great as my resistance and anger. I just couldn’t withstand the overwhelming pressure of the man on top of me.

Just then someone woke me up. Li-Li Hua stood at the head of my bed looking perplexed and asked me if I’d been dreaming. I blinked several times, suddenly recalling images from the dream. I was so frightened that I sat bolt upright as soon as possible. I could tell that I was in my own dormitory, the door was good and locked, and Li-Li Hua was standing right next to me.

“Li-Li Hua, was somebody in this room just now?” I asked.

She looked even more perplexed. “Who are you talking about?”

Seeing that she found my question odd, I felt more at ease. “I had a nightmare.”

“What kind of a nightmare? You scared me to death! I heard you stamping your feet against the bed board and banging your fists with all your might as if you having a fight. You were screaming ‘No! No!’ with a crying voice.”

“Hey, Look, You really have tears on your face. It seems that you weren’t dreaming- you really were crying. LiLi, it’s all right, could you tell me what the nightmare were about?”

I put my hand to my face. Indeed, my cheeks were all wet. I couldn’t hold back the tears.

“Why are you crying? What kind of nightmare did you have? Were you raped?”

I stopped crying when I heard that.

“Were you really raped in your nightmare?” Li-Li Hua grinned.

“If anybody got raped, it was you.” I snapped.

“So what if you were raped in a dream?” retorted Li-Li Hua, “I get raped in my dreams all the time. But it seems like you’ve never had that kind of dream.”

I didn’t know what to say but to ask her, “How do you know I was dreaming?”

“I hadn’t fallen asleep yet when I heard you screaming and kicking and stomping on the bed.”

“Why haven’t you gone to sleep yet?” I said, “What time is it?”

“Two a.m.”

“Whoa, it’s two in the morning and you still haven’t fallen asleep.”

“I was missing my old man,” said Li-Li Hua.

“Can missing your husband really keep you awake?

“Judging by the way you spoke, you still seem to be a virgin,” Chuckled Li-Li Hua

I was too frightened to speak.

“Who are you trying to fool? Nowadays, you can’t find a virgin even in junior high.”

I hate this topic. “Li-Li Hua, watch your tongue. Do you think we live in America, where even junior high students have done it?”

“LiLi, Let me get this straight: are you trying to tell me you’re still a virgin?”

“I’m not keen on this subject.”

“Actually, if you’re still a virgin, it’s a lot easier to find a boyfriend. Been a long time since we’ve had virgins here. The big boss prefers virgins. Virgins are so like, pure.”

I was indignant. “Why would those dirty men go looking for a virgin? They’re too dirty to deserve it.”

“LiLi, are you really a virgin?” Li-Li Hua said suspiciously, “You seem to know way too much to still be one.”

I was getting very annoyed. “Li-Li Hua, How can you be so vulgar? Why are you always prying into other people’s private lives? What business is it of yours?”

“You can say I am vulgar, but those men are even more vulgar!” said Li-Li Hua, howling with laughter. “A man will do anything to get his way with every woman under the sun, apart from his mother or sisters.”

Pretending to snore, I didn’t respond.

Li-Li Hua called out to me a few times but I ignored her. When she swore at me and still didn’t get a rise, she mumbled to herself, “Guess she really has gone to sleep. How could she fall asleep just like that when I can’t?  Ai ya” Afterwards I could hear the sound of her body turning from one side to the other.

I couldn’t put mind at rest. I was still worried that I had really been raped, worried that my dream was not a dream. Suddenly it occurred to me that if I had really been raped, there would certainly be blood. I touched my lower body, but there was nothing sticky.

I still couldn’t put mind at rest. I jumped out of bed, turned on the light, ignored Li-Li Hua as she cursed me out for shining the light in her eyes, and hastily checked the whole blanket and the whole mattress cover and the whole bed sheet, inside and outside, I checked it again and again and again, but found nothing. No sign of virginal blood. I sighed deeply.

Li-Li Hua asked me what the hell is going on. I said I thought something had stung me.

“What’s with you?” criticized Li-Li Hua, “First you’ve been raped in a dream, then something has stung you. Have you gone mad lusting after men?”

I couldn’t believe such dirty words came out of Li-Li Hua’s mouth. Is it like Bro Bao says- when a woman marries a man, she’s contaminated?

I really wanted to ask Li-Li Hua what had happened when she lost her virginity, but I didn’t dare.

All through the night, I lay motionless on my bed; I didn’t dare to move, wary of the door. I was afraid that the door would prove useless in shielding my woman’s body and mind from the damage of depraved violence. My body and mind were in convulsions once again. I still suspected that thing had actually occurred, and it wasn’t just a dream…

That shivering night, the misfortunes suffered by me, by Ye Zi, and Qiu Xia- girls from hometown doing a stint on a production line in ShenZhen with me, played like a film over and over in my mind. And grandma’s words resounded in my ears—a girl’s path is so narrow.

I cried over and over to myself, “Why is a girl’s path so narrow?”

Cold and hungry is my heart, cold and hungry is my body…

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